December 10, 2025

"There isn't a narcissist under every bush... but there's too many of them out there."

—Annette Chesney

Top 10 Takeaways about Narcissism

I recently talked with Annette Chesney about being in a relationship with a narcissist. You can listen to our conversation or read a summary of it, but here are my top takeaways...​

1. Narcissists can often fool counselors who aren’t experienced with dealing with that behavior, so the partner remains an unhelped victim.
2. Narcissism can be seen as a spectrum of behaviors in four categories.
3. Category 1 Narcissism: Because of our tendencies to sometimes be selfish or unempathetic, we all may fit into this category.
4. Category 2 Narcissism: Usually not recognized as a problem by the narcissist, so change is often elusive. It is a pattern of behavior.
5. Categories 3-4 Narcissism: The narcissistic behavior is intentionally destructive.
6. There are healthy ways to live in a relationship with a category 1 or 2 narcissist, but not with those who fit the 3-4 categories.
7. Infidelity frequently shows up in the behavior of a narcissist.
8. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it can help to reframe your wants and needs in terms of how they will benefit them.
9. A person’s narcissism tends to get worse (“meaner”) as they age.
10. The effects of a partner’s narcissism can remain even after the relationship ends.

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​PODCAST EPISODE #34​

A practical, compassionate look at the four levels of narcissism, how they affect marriage, and what partners can do to regain clarity, safety, and sanity.

​THE BIRD THEORY​

There has been a lot of talk about The Bird Theory and The Bird Test online. In this video, Dr. John Gottman explains exactly what the bird theory is, and why those little moments are so important in a healthy relationship, and how "turning toward" helps his divorce predictions.

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What Else Is New...

• Rising Phoenix: What If They Do It Again?​
  ​Rising Phoenix considers the fear of giving someone another chance after betrayal, how forgiveness doesn’t erase distrust, and how transparency alone can’t rebuild safety. Real healing begins when the focus shifts from monitoring them to reclaiming yourself.
  
• Post: The Anniversary that Wasn't​
  ​After his affair, he forgot their anniversary. On purpose.